Sunday, June 20, 2010

No beach to walk on

This entry may seem a little dark and/or pessimistic - I've had a hell of a week and have just found out some info that really hit me like a slab of concrete.

I have worked hard for the past fifteen years, on a quest, as it were, to live the dream: to see my creations bear fruit and to dabble in the universes that I have been fond of since childhood. Between Critical Millennium, Planet of the Apes, and SPACE: 1999, it looks like I'm there. As success draws near, however, I find that perhaps I have lost much in the process.

Having had my relationship with my fiancee end last January - I have had time to reflect on several things in my life, and have come to a few conclusions -not about my time with her specifically, but my relationships in general.

Relationships have always come pretty easy for me - its keeping them that I find pretty hard. I usually start out extremely over tolerant of things that the woman in my life does that do not really agree with me, giving them the chance to straighten it out and meet me half way on things as time goes by. The problem is that as that time wears on, and they don't meet me in the middle, I die a little inside, and become less and less able to deal with it - until I guess I become desensitized. Suddenly I am uncaring and unforgiving, and the woman in my life finds me heartless.

From my perspective, the proverbial "she" was responsible for it - she caused this.

What about from her perspective?

What did I do or NOT do that led to her doing the things that desensitized me? What part of the then current grand fiasco was I responsible for?

I have seen this situation repeat itself numerous times in my life - really I must be lucky in cards and just not know it, because I am apparently to date unlucky in love.

The thing that gets me really angry about it all when I see my exes "passing me by" - most of the women I have been seriously romantically involved with over the past two decades have now gone on to be married and/or have children - and I am still by myself - making me question if I am the one with the problem - after all, I'm the one common thread in it all.

And its not just my exes in the hammer lane. My former writing partner, and best friend for many years, never so much as kissed a woman until a few short years ago. In high school, I was the one dating, the same in college, and ever since. Him? Nothing. Not until he was in his mid 30s.

Last month he got married.

Is BLAM! responsible? Is my devotion to following my dreams, my creations, my universes - that which has kept me from finding "true love" as it were? Have I mucked up my relationships in favor of my creativity? I can't surrender BLAM!, it is what I have worked for since I first started playing with action figures at the tender age of five.

Being a total geek, the classic Star Trek episode "The Naked Time" comes to mind- Kirk's true loneliness in the captain's seat - and how the Enterprise consumes him:

"Love... you're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. This vessel...I give... she takes. She won't permit me my life. I've got to live hers." - J.T. Kirk

Drew G.