Sunday, June 20, 2010

No beach to walk on

This entry may seem a little dark and/or pessimistic - I've had a hell of a week and have just found out some info that really hit me like a slab of concrete.

I have worked hard for the past fifteen years, on a quest, as it were, to live the dream: to see my creations bear fruit and to dabble in the universes that I have been fond of since childhood. Between Critical Millennium, Planet of the Apes, and SPACE: 1999, it looks like I'm there. As success draws near, however, I find that perhaps I have lost much in the process.

Having had my relationship with my fiancee end last January - I have had time to reflect on several things in my life, and have come to a few conclusions -not about my time with her specifically, but my relationships in general.

Relationships have always come pretty easy for me - its keeping them that I find pretty hard. I usually start out extremely over tolerant of things that the woman in my life does that do not really agree with me, giving them the chance to straighten it out and meet me half way on things as time goes by. The problem is that as that time wears on, and they don't meet me in the middle, I die a little inside, and become less and less able to deal with it - until I guess I become desensitized. Suddenly I am uncaring and unforgiving, and the woman in my life finds me heartless.

From my perspective, the proverbial "she" was responsible for it - she caused this.

What about from her perspective?

What did I do or NOT do that led to her doing the things that desensitized me? What part of the then current grand fiasco was I responsible for?

I have seen this situation repeat itself numerous times in my life - really I must be lucky in cards and just not know it, because I am apparently to date unlucky in love.

The thing that gets me really angry about it all when I see my exes "passing me by" - most of the women I have been seriously romantically involved with over the past two decades have now gone on to be married and/or have children - and I am still by myself - making me question if I am the one with the problem - after all, I'm the one common thread in it all.

And its not just my exes in the hammer lane. My former writing partner, and best friend for many years, never so much as kissed a woman until a few short years ago. In high school, I was the one dating, the same in college, and ever since. Him? Nothing. Not until he was in his mid 30s.

Last month he got married.

Is BLAM! responsible? Is my devotion to following my dreams, my creations, my universes - that which has kept me from finding "true love" as it were? Have I mucked up my relationships in favor of my creativity? I can't surrender BLAM!, it is what I have worked for since I first started playing with action figures at the tender age of five.

Being a total geek, the classic Star Trek episode "The Naked Time" comes to mind- Kirk's true loneliness in the captain's seat - and how the Enterprise consumes him:

"Love... you're better off without it, and I'm better off without mine. This vessel...I give... she takes. She won't permit me my life. I've got to live hers." - J.T. Kirk

Drew G.


Anonymous said...

Andrew: The creative mind is difficult to manage. When given the freedom to grow and explore all other connections to the life has to cope with whatever is left..and sometimes what is left may seem like only crumbs to the outsider. The creator makes the choice to listen and respond at 100% or to some lesser degree and accept the consequences connected to suppressing his/her creative spirit. There is seldom a true life balance when one is creative. Your mind doesn't turn off. You will be working until your deathbed and be happy about it. There is no stopping, no vacation, and no reprieve from the constant tugging and pulling for attention.

And what about the other side? People who ignore their spirit because they get distracted by the chaos of life. They get wrapped up in the complexity of timelines and deadlines and personal interactions; feelings, expectations, responsibilities, and judgments. I suspect that there is depression and a sense of longing for something else in their lives. The connection that might save them is almost unreachable. Although it is so overgrown in the weeds of life’s web, I still have hope for them, just as I have hope for you.

I understand how hard it is to contain, release, answer to, relish, explore, and tame the creative spirit. The internal struggle is not escapable. Not everyone can understand and you cannot expect that of them.

Be honest up front. That person who will meet you in the middle exists. The middle is usually an average where it is sometimes you will meet 75% and them 75% which averages to halfway overtime.

While you are seeking what your human legacy offers, your creative spirit will keep you company. It is always there. Sometimes a comfort, sometimes an annoying pest, but it is yours. It is part of you and it needs to be embraced, managed, respected and loved.

Is it fair? I don’t know. I just know that it is.

John Connelly said...

If you'll forgive a comment on this very personal insight (which was brave of you to post), my theory is that your nature puts you at the very right end of the bell curve, in terms of creativity, drive, intelligence, wit... it would be hard for such a man to find a mate that could match these qualities. So while it might be true that the common thread is you, I think (and it's just my opinion) that it's because you are so outstanding and you need to find the woman that can match your abilities. There are very few people of your caliber. So don't despair of your situation; just recognize yourself as one of the top 1% and find a woman that can keep up with you, your wit, and share your dreams. She's out there, somewhere. (probably on Ganymede or something, but that's your problem). Cheers. - John C